My little firecracker

The rest our week-end was really good. The weather could have been better, but we still managed to have a lot of fun. On Saturday Steven's brother and his family came up to swim. My nephew Ethan had a big time in the pool. I pretty much stayed on the sidelines, it was overcast and windy and the water was COLD!!! I finally made it into the pool about 1:30 and hadn't even gotten really wet when we had toddler meltdowns. No more pool for us that day!

Sunday we went to church and when we got back to the house I cooked a huge lunch for us while Emma took a much needed nap. We started cleaning up the house and I started getting our stuff all packed up. We did stop for a bit in the afternoon to let Emma swim. The sun was out and it felt wonderful! But when I got home last night - I was ready to be there. There really should be a rule (or a national law maybe) that you automatically get an extra day to recuperate from a vacation. I really think I am going to be worthless at work today :-) Here are a few pictures of the kids swimming on Saturday:

This was how the sky looked most of the day....

Emma taking a little break and trying to warm up...
Emma wanted to make sure she stayed afloat :-)
Steven with our nephew Ethan
Daddy and his little girl

This morning I decided to start getting Emma ready for Independence Day. She was just happy to be able to wear her red and blue flip-flops!

I wonder if she will ever get to the age where she will LET me take a picture of her. Stubborn little thing - good thing I think she's cute :-)

Mini Vacation

Actually it is "Staycation" since we are only up the road in Cave City. We are holed up in a wonderful house with a beautiful pool, lots of room and a great big bathroom! Emma and I arrived around 3 this afternoon with the intention of getting in the pool as soon as I had the car unloaded and the groceries put away. Unfortunately, by then, it was pouring :0 Emma just stood at the door staring at the pool with a very sad look on her face. By the time I was almost done cooking dinner it stopped and the sun started to make an appearance. Let me tell you, Emma ate her dinner pretty quick - she was going swimming she said :-) She had a great time, but the water was pretty cool, so she never made it too far off the steps. But she had a blast splashing her Daddy!

Taking a little break.....
Cuddling up with Mommy, trying to get warm. Guess we will have to take a bath...
Such a little girl in such a big tub. But she sure did have a lot of fun!

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

I was having a hard time this afternoon- just having one of "those" moments.  I was working and listening to some music online when the above song came on.  Josh Groban was singing and by the time the song was done - I was in tears.  I had just prayed earlier for God to grant me some peace give me strength so that I could continue to move on (and forward).  I was reminded that with God, I can do anything.  He does raise me up.  It doesn't always feel like it (I have felt pretty low lately), but He is always there.  I still don't understand, but maybe one day I will.  Until then, (and for always) I just have to remember that He is there, with me, with my family here on earth, and with my little angel. 

Thank you Lord for loving me, being beside me and giving me the strength to make it from one day to the next while loving and caring for me, my husband and my daughter.  Thank you for picking me up when I fall, supporting me when I doubt and walking with me as this journey continues.

Josh Groban on You Tube

My Little Wild Child & Thanks

Last night after Emma had her bath, her Daddy put her hair up in pigtails and she asked for braids. It looked so cute (should have taken a picture of that). This morning, she over slept so I didn't have time to really do anything with it expect to take what was left of the braids out and neaten (is that even a word) it up. She thought it was so funny and just kept laughing. I started calling her Wild Child because her hair was so wild and she would just laugh harder. So then we started laughing. As soon as I mentioned taking a picture of it, she ran and stood by the door and waited for me. It was pretty funny. And yes, before anyone asks me....I did send her to school like this!

On a more personal note...I want to thank everyone for the prayers that have been lifted up in our behalf over the past 3 weeks. I have had so many phone calls, cards and hugs and I appreciate them all. I am having more good days than bad at this point, but it still sneaks up on me at times. I have a lot of "I am supposed to be..." thoughts, which I guess will also get better with time. I had my final blood work done last week and my hcg level had finally gone down to zero. I was still having some issues with my progesterone levels but they are continuing to go down as well. I am hoping that in another week or so, my body will be back to normal (at least as normal as it has ever been). On a positive, I have managed to lose some weight so now I have a good excuse to go buy some new clothes :-)

Two Great Dads!

We had a pretty good day yesterday. With everything going on, I actually had forgotten that it was Father's Day until just a couple of days before. So I did have time to go out and get gift's for Steven. We slept late, went to church, went out to lunch with Steven's parents, sister, brother and nephew and went to the IL house for some wonderful chocolate cake. Then home where we all took a big, fat, THREE hour nap!!! It was wonderful!!!!! We spent yesterday evening working on Emma's room. She now has her big girl bed. (Once her room is done - I will take some pics). She was so tired by the time we put her in it last night, that we didn't have any issues with trying to get her to stay in bed, but I am sure that will come. We let her "help" us to take her old bed apart and out of her room. She was so proud of herself. :-)

I forgot to mail cards to my dad, so I called him late yesterday. But my daddy is so great, that he forgave me and just thanked me for calling. I have to say, I have a GREAT daddy. He is always there for me and listens and offers advise (which sometimes I even take). He has a wonderful sense of humor and even if I may not always laugh at his jokes, I usually at least groan and smirk :)

He is a wonderful Papa to my daughter and even though they live states away, she adores him. So I just want to say - Thank you Daddy, for everything you have done in my life. For being a wonderful example as a Christian, a parent and an overall generous, thoughtful, considerate person. I love you!!!

Emma adores her Daddy. I just love to tell her in the evening that he is home. She stops whatever she is doing and runs hollering "Daddy" and gives him BIG hugs around his legs. He always bends down and she just wraps her little arms around his neck. I know he thinks that is the best part of his day :-) Steven loves to read to her, and every night after she is all ready for bed, she will go and get some books and climb up in his chair with him. He is the one that has put her down to bed almost every night of her life. She counts on those last few moments each day with her daddy.

It has been wonderful to experience "parenthood" with Steven. He is more laid back about things than I am, so when I am getting all worried and worked up over something, he steps in and is the calm in the midst of my storm. Thank you Steven for being such a wonderful Daddy to our beautiful daughter. I love you!!!

I should have taken pictures, but I haven't been in a picture taking mood lately. I know I will regret later on that I don't have any pictures of Emma with her Daddy on Father's Day 2008, but c'est la vie! I hope everyone else had an enjoyable day with their fathers and your family.

Taking time to see & smell the flowers

On Memorial Day Emma and I went to the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens with my parents. It was a beautiful day and the weather was perfect. I have always enjoyed walking around and looking at flowers, but I wasn't really sure how Emma was going to like it. She had a great time! She would tell us what color all the flowers were, she would touch them and let us know if they were soft, fuzzy, hard, sharp or yucky. They even have a Children's Garden where they had a little village and a water play area and a massive sand box along with a big tree house. Here are a few pictures from the day.

The iris' were in bloom everywhere - they were beautiful!

Emma testing out the "yellow" flower, this one was "fuzzy".

Mimi, Emma & Mommy taking a little break.

Emma decided to do a little "cleaning" while visiting in the village.

Emma had a blast playing at the "beach"
Emma even took the time to "stop and smell the roses".
Emma was having so much fun!
Emma with her Papa & Mimi
I love orchids and in the conservatory, they had hundreds of them. It was beautiful!
Emma was very curious and wanted to look at and into everything.

Finally, at the end of the day while we were looking around the Garden Shop, she conks out. And she slept for 3 hours - I had to wake her up so we could go get some dinner :-)

As for me and how I am doing.....I went back to work Monday and am just trying to go from moment to moment. I have discovered that I seem to do better when I am alone or just with my family. I don't do crowds right now. People want to talk about it and I really just don't want to. So I have been going to work and shutting myself in my office. I tried to do some shopping and just couldn't get myself into it. I really would like to just hole up in my house, but that isn't practical. I have to have more lab work done today and again next week to make sure that my body is doing what they say it is supposed to do.

Anyway - thank you again everyone for all of your prayers.

Answers

Even though I knew in my heart last Friday that I was losing the baby and was sure I would receive that same information on Tuesday from the doctor. When I didn't, I got my hopes up. So at 3:20 yesterday afternoon, when I finally got the results in from my lab work I crashed - hard! My levels had dropped quiet a bit which was what I expected to hear on Tuesday. I have still been bleeding and having some pretty sever pains that they tell me can continue for another week or more. It all feels like a pretty cruel joke right now. But at least I know.

On a happy note - my new niece arrived last night. Sydney Elise. I haven't met her yet, but I plan on going to the hospital in a little while to get my first peek at her. What a bitter sweet day it was.

And then this morning, for the first time in a couple of weeks, Emma came and got in bed with us. She cuddled up next to me (which I loved) and was just jibber jabbering. She then asked me what that noise was. I had not heard anything. She then tells me it was God. Okay I thought. She started to get all excited and she sits up and says "Mommy, look. It's the Angels." The smile on her face was incredible. I don't know what she saw, but she talked about seeing them off and on all morning.

I want to thank all of you again for all of the prayers you have lifted up on my behalf. The healing process begins now both for my heart and my body. I haven't decided what to do next. I still have a lot of praying of my own to do :-)

Still no answers

I thought I knew how this whole thing was going to play out. I was going to get my results from the lab work that was done on Monday and I was going to be able to close the door on this "episode" and begin to move on. NOT!

When we got the results back yesterday, it was not what any of us (including the doctor) expected. Nobody really seems to know what to tell me or what to think.....including me. Instead of getting the clear cut definitive answer that I was supposed to get, I received the news that I was going to have to have more tests done because the blood work from Monday did not come back showing that I had definitely miscarried nor did it show that I was progressing with the pregnancy. How does one process this. I spent hours yesterday just sitting there dazed, confused, numb. Today I am overwhelmed with sadness. We have been praying so hard and I know that God has a plan, but I am at a loss as to what it is at the moment.

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for our family right now. It means so much to us. Please keep praying. I have already gone in for the additional blood work this morning so I am hopeful now that the results will come in tomorrow and I will finally have some answers. (BTW - I am starting to feel like a pin cushion)

No Answers

I know that some of you saw the ticker that I had posted on my blog. I want to thank you for your congratulations. I cannot begin to tell you how absolutely ecstatic we were. It took us almost 8 years to get pregnant the first time, so we started trying again when Emma was only about 9 months old. After almost 2 1/2 years we discovered we were expecting again. I had pretty much given up. I had even decided that I was not going to take the drugs in May and was probably only going to give it one more shot. We waited a few days to tell our family so I could take a few more pregnancy tests and let it soak in. Even then, it just didn't seem real.

I have gone from one of the highest highs to one of the lowest lows. I am beyond sad.....I am mad......I am hurt....I am confused....I am grieving. Starting last Thursday, I began to spot. I thought no big deal. That evening I started cramping and things have gone from bad to worse. I went and had an ultrasound Friday and they did some blood work. I had follow up blood work done this morning, but I already know what the answer is. I have lost the baby. I knew it Friday morning, but I was still so hopeful. I was scared. By yesterday, I was no longer scared, I just want it to be over. I will know for sure tomorrow when the results from the blood work come back in - but in my heart, I already know. I am trying to understand. I am trying to get some answers. But it is not my place to question God. I know that there is a reason and a purpose for everything, but I don't see what the reason or the purpose for this is. I may never understand. I know that God is an awesome God and He can do anything - so a small part of me is still praying for a tiny miracle. I can always hope.

To everyone that has been praying for us over the week-end. Thank you so very much. I truly believe that without your prayers, I would not have made it through the last 3 days. Please keep praying. I am in desperate need of them.

I still have some pics to post from our trip, but it may be a while before I get to them. Love you guys and thanks again!